Book by its Cover: Jake Walden, Madonna, Flight Of The Conchords

I’m a busy, busy man. Between honing my new “walk”, keeping up with the constant influx of Elvis Costello re-reissues and preparing for the zombie apocalypse, I don’t have a lot of time to hunker down and listen to music. I do, however, make it a point to set aside a few passing moments every so often to take a good look at music. Therefore, I now present you with a brief analysis of some choice album covers…

Jake Walden - Alive and Screaming

Alternate album titles:

I Stole Your Dairy And A Thing Of White Out And Replaced His Name With Mine

“Poetic” and Emoting

Songs In The Key Of Over-Used Sepia Tone

Sorry About That Diary/White Out Thing, My English Professor Sold Me Some Weed That Turned Out To Be Chopped-Up Leaves And Pencil Shavings

I Tie This Book To My Leg With Twine Because I Saw You Reading It Once And I Love You And I Think We Should Be Together

Wistful and Pooping

Madonna - Hard Candy

So what have we learned here? Madonna the career-chameleon has done it again! This time she’s shapeshifted into a prizefighting militant Austrian lesbian who’s so damn turned on by her own goth hand bandages that she doesn’t mind making the “I’m a chubby 11-year-old licking the excess syrup off my breakfast plate ’cause I just can’t get enough”-face in public. Also, she still thinks spreading her legs is “provocative” and that wrapping the label from an oversized novelty beer bottle around her waist is “high fashion”.

Okay, I’m done now.

Flight Of The Conchords - s/t

Wow. This cover kind of makes me feel like I’m in love in the 1970s. Just a little bit. It turns out that all you have to do to make bitchin’ album artwork is think up a few dozen irrefutably awesome things and cram them roughly into a square (it’s so simple it’s a wonder folks haven’t learned.) What’ve we got? Bugs? Awesome. Seaguls? Fucking rad. Juno-style old school tube socks and sneakers? Wicked. There’s no rhyme or reason and you’re just gonna have to deal with it! Three cheers.

Yours,

Torquil Crossingham