Rules, hipsters, guidelines, unwritten laws, general statements, observations and New Am kids alike for the L.A. chapter:
1. Upon entering Amoeba…wait wait wait…hold on…whoa…let me back up, let’s start with the parking situation. Now believe it or not there is a system here. You gotta turn FIRST down Ivar, then turn into their little parking lot they have on the outside (just past the Amoeba building to the right off Ivar). You then wait there for a space to open up. I don’t care what’s happening, who’s dying or who is over in the corner looking like a dying heroin infected member of Jet, you wait. The only time you move is if a car comes up behind you, then and only then do you move on. If you have failed to find a space in the outside lot, you now must go under ground. Exiting the outside lot, take a right onto Cahuenga, a.k.a “The Wenga” a.k.a “The Wenga Boogie” for those that got confused there for a sec. There maybe a line waiting to get in to the underground lot. If f there is you WAIT in line to go to the downstairs parking lot. You don’t go to Arclight’s parking lot, people who listen to Final Fantasy and Antony and the Johnsons make moves like that (It’s true I researched it). You then wait for the best attendant who ever has held any parking attendant job to wave you in. He has leather gloves and a wad of keys dangling from his pressed, yet semi wrinkled jeans, that says it all.
2. Upon entering, it’s simple, you look cool. You have to pass the wall of people on either side buying their cds, and then there’s the line who have a clear shot of the door and everyone walking up the aisle from the entrance, all the employees, sometimes live bands playing, it’s intense. It’s ok though, don’t panic. You can handle this. You have options. You may do a hair toss if one so chooses, or do one of those look up at the ceiling for no reason moves. If one is so inclined, you can even do the fake nod to “someone you see” up in the back area. That aisle walk is YOUR time, savor it and use it wisely.
3. Once you get to the end of the aisle, it’s game time. Now, only unseasoned amateurs go to the new section first. YOU however go right for the new returns section, this is located to the right after the aisle walk, just before the “main” center aisle. A thing to keep in mind about a new release is that for Amoeba you just wait a few days (even one day can work) and you can usually find it cheaper in the new returns section because some people don’t give things chances. You then stay in the used section. Don’t go to the new section yet. Search and destroy. Mean business. It has happened to a number of people I know who have seen a cd they are seriously considering in used (and for a good price), then go look around and realize yes, they want that cd, then go back and it’s gone. Take no prisoners and as soon as you see a cd you like or might want to get, take it and hold on to it. Now you can at this time go back and forth between new and used, and you may even peruse the vinyl in the back if one is so inclined. Each time you think of a cd you want to check out, go to used, then check new, then repeat. Now here is a key note…I’ll wait until you get a piece of paper and a pen to write this down if needed…ok?…Ok. ALWAYS, ALWAYS look for the card of the band you are looking for BEFORE giving up. This is is just for principle, law, illogical reasoning, good reasoning, hating Bush, whatever it is it must be done! You can’t move on until you find that card. Let’s say you’re looking for the latest Joanna Newsom cd (you’ve of course had the burn of it for a few weeks and are going to buy it), and you can’t find a slot for her…weird…hmmmmm…WELL KEEP LOOKING. Find the card, only then can you rest easy and know that there are no cds there. If one is so inclined, look below…this is for intense Amoeba goers. But all they have there usually are rows of the same cd by Elton John and/or Eric Clapton. If one is truly desperate and really wants that cd, you can check misc. section (at the end of each lettered row), or you may go up to the information area where the rockabilly lesbian girls and overweight hopeless Doug Martschs will be seated and you can see if the cd is in stock from them using their amazing compuper skills (yes, that’s right, compuper) . There’s also a listening station and dvds upstairs which is great. The side benefit is that whilst you use the listening station you can also look at people below. People watching never gets old. Note: you don’t need to take a pile of cds up to you and use the scanner, if it’s in there you can find it manually…this is of course after you put on the headphones and are mildly intrigued yet annoyed that someone has left it on world beats hip-hop jazz from the 70’s.
4. Look for the guy with the beard that puts mine to shame and the girl in the bright pink hair. It’s actually kinda rule that no female Amoeba employees are cute, except that pink hair girl. But to each his own.
5. Upon exiting Amoeba, you are gonna have to wait in a line. Now, before you get there, just get what you want and DO NOT look at any other card slots or think. Block it all out. It’s already a difficult time as it is. Just go. When you enter this line, you can do the same moves you did upon entering the building. Look cool and maybe flash your cd/cds so someone may take a glance. Here is where it all comes down to. Here it is, it’s your turn, you’re next. Each check out counter has a number to it, and they wave you over or hold up their number when they are ready. If it’s busy they’ll have someone standing on a box directing you, and you feel more secure…if its not quite as busy…it’s serious paying attention time. All conversation stops. All matter of looking cool stops. It’s you and any counter that opens up…eyes darting around…as soon as you are called walk briskly and get there fast, there’s no time to waste here. Don’t worry, the employees won’t judge you for what you buy here, they are just annoyed that you are even in front of them.
6. Upon exiting, and you have gotten your cd/cds (AROUND the metal detectors), feel proud. You made it out. You did it. You got a cd/cds, vinyl, or even the dvd you wanted. Hey, feel free to even take a look at the notice board or grab yourself an LA Weekly for the drive home…the next step is arguing with yourself, or the driver, (usually yourself) who listens to what, and then saying in what sequence you get to listen to everything else. So enjoy your time at Amoeba and have a safe journey.
P.S. don’t hit any kids when pulling out of the steepest parking garage ramp ever.
7. Last minute rule added: No video taping allowed, whether you are wearing a tuxedo or a horse costume. Rule added by Chusten a.ka. Alsoran and spoken from experience.
End Scene
-Dan Tana
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